While in the men’s room yesterday, a comment was made about why would one need a massive beard? What are the purposes? Fools. There are tons of fantastic reasons for growing a beard. Some may call them shallow or cosmetic, but in the truth… there are indeed practical reasons to growing a big manly beard. I came up with the Top 3 Reasons to Grow A Beard.
Reason #3: Adopt a Community of Rats to Live In Your Beard.
People have been saying to save your environment. Every little bit adds up. Recycle bottles, paper, don’t use non-biodegradable objects, etc. Well, how better to save your environment than by letting a family of homeless rats move in to your beard and and turn your face into a party of awesomeness?
Reason #2: Fight Rebels With A Rocket Launcher While Eating a Cookie
Don’t you hate it when people decide to rebel. People should know when they are conquered (I think this is a movie quote from somewhere- sounds familiar). We all know one of the most badass weapons is a missile launcher (not to be confused with the lame rocket launcher. Missiles are GUIDED. Fire and forget). When people rebel and you need to destroy them with your missile launcher, that leaves you no free hands to eat a cookie. Well, with a beard… you can now feed yourself a cookie AND keep on fighting the good fight and destroying rebel bases.
Reason #1: Deflect Cannonball Shots From Invading Pirates
I always hate it when you are enjoying your Saturday boating out on a lake and some asshole pirate comes along to nab your booty. That’s bullshit. If you want to defend yourself (and your booty), a sure fire way- grow your beard. Beards are scientifically proven to have the ability to deflect cannonballs launched at your face.