Being as I am trying to promote equal rights between the sexes, I felt I should point out that being a bearded woman is completely okay.
I know, I know. This goes against conventional wisdom. But there is only one thing you need to know about a woman with a beard and why it’s okay.
1) SHE HAS A DAMN BEARD.
Would you seriously try to fuck with a woman who had a beard? I wouldn’t. First off, women rule the world already. They can already make men’s lives absolutely horrible and make us miserable. Why on earth would I piss of someone with a) a vagina and b) a beard. She can not only make you wish you never crawled out of your mom’s womb, but she can also kick your ass. Yes, if your woman has a beard… she can kick your ass. I’m sorry.
Look at Exhibit A. If you see this couple walk into a bar, would you REALLY want to piss them off? Hell no. The guy is already cooler than you because he has a beard. And his chick can also kick your ass because she also has a beard. It’d be like a WWF tag team beat down on your ass.
Following the creepy shit that Exhibit B usually is, I give you Exhibit B… would you really mess with a bearded Jennifer Aniston?
NO. I would never mess with a bearded Aniston. If I saw her on the street, I wouldn’t tell her how shitty her 90’s sitcom show Friends was and how it made everyone think that they too could live in a nice downtown apartment on coffee shop waitress wages. Also, how it gives people like me false hope for wanting to keep a duck in my bathtub and a monkey. I hate that show for destroying my life. I would tell her that her dirty talk in Horrible Bosses was pretty sexy though.
So what sent Brad Pitt astray you say? The only thing that ever would- a better beard.
With a beard like that- who would tell Angelina Jolie no? She would rupture your spleen if you turned her down. It’s probably why no one told her that adopting 3rd world orphans every other year doesn’t make you look like a philanthropist- it makes you look like a rich asshole trying to look like a philanthropist. Fuck you, Angelina Jolie.
Nice beard, though.