Historically, beards have been part of greatness. All great men seem have sported beards, or that is how history remembers them. They are usually great big full magnificent beards that people gaze upon. Guys are jelly (I learned this internet term recently. It means jealous. Clearly I’m cool now) and want to grow the beards. Women want to have sex with the beards.
On the flip side, it seems like men with wanna-be beards are always evil assholes who should have probably broken a mirror and cut their own heads off to spare the world of their existence. Let us look at clear examples of these theories:
3) Gerard Butler
This is a beard of epic proportions. All of the people that clamor about the “abs in 300” are either A) wives who read trashy romance novels pretending someone like this will rescue them from their quart of Ben and Jerry’s or B) guys with beer guts who are deep down closet queers and fantasize that one day they will be able to achieve that kind of physique and then be able to actually date other gay guys instead of their lonely wives who read trashy romance novels pretending someone like this will rescue them from their quart of Ben and Jerry’s. The beard is the true success of this film.
2) Brad Keisel
Look at that lumberjack/wooly mammoth masterpiece. If you didn’t just have an orgasm looking at that beard, seek medical attention now.
Ever depiction of Jesus’ Dad shows him sporting a big full beard. Even Jesus has a beard. Moses had a beard too. The point is- grow a beard. Everyone always blames Eve for eating the forbidden fruit. If Adam had been a man and grown a beard (all depictions I saw showed him clean shaven), he could have kept her inline and she wouldn’t have taken a bite! If God had his Son and Moses grow a beard, it is probably a pretty damn good idea to follow their lead and grow one too.
Now, let’s take a look at the wanna-be beards that usually lead to vile individuals…
3) Anders Breivek
You all know this evil asshole. This is the guy who killed all of those people in Norway. He tried to blame video games and then tries to say what he did was because he was a “right-winger”. This guy is pure evil incarnate and guess what- he has a pretty sorry excuse for a beard and that alone makes him a sorry excuse for a human. (Too soon?)
2) Adolf Hitler
No list of “Evil Assholes” would be complete without this jack off. He needs no introduction or explanation- lets just sit back and laugh at that sorry-excuse of facial hair. It looks like complete and utter shit. People complain this guy ruined that facial hair style- fuck, it was ruined before this guy tried it out. It looks like a patch of dog shit slapped under your nose. Mustaches are for pansies who are too much of a girl to grow a beard.
I want to present equal time to both parties and it just so happens an evil asshole with a wanna-be beard is Satan. As depicted above, it looks like shit. If you want to instill fear and respect, growing that pubic hair on your face is not the way to do it, Satan. Just saying. Oh and remember what I said about mustaches? Yeah.. notice what Saddam is sporting too. Pansy.