Day 40

Doing a Jesus “40 Days” post would be too easy. And blasphemous. Since I don’t want to go to hell, I am going to skip that all together.

I would like to explore yesterday’s post a bit more. We all agree that teenage ball hair on the face is pretty annoying. It makes us want to punch people in the face. No harm in that. But it got me to thinking- why do people choose their facial hair style?

People always choose to go with their facial hair because they think it makes them look a certain way. They feel it gives off a certain vibe and it is how they want the world to perceive them. When in actuality- nobody looks at them that way.

So I present to you… What Your Facial Hair Really Says About You.

The Clean Shave

What You Think It Says: I am projecting an image of cleanliness. I want to appear professional. I want to show the world that I am forever young and vibrant. I want to show I take care of my appearance daily.

What It Really Says: I am too much of a pussy to grow a beard. I am too scared what it might look like. Will it be patchy? Will it be uneven? I don’t even try. I am intimidated by the itch. (Not the kind you get from Craigs List). This choice screams “I’M A BIG FAT PUSSY”.

The 5 O’Clock Shadow

What You Think It Says: You think this gives off the appearance that you are clean cut- but like to live life a little on the edge. It makes the world believe you are rugged but classy at the same time.

What It Really Says: I’m a high maintenance little girl. I want to not look like a big fat pussy so I have some facial hair, yet I am still a big fat pussy. It takes more care to actually maintain this look than to shave clean every day.

The Goatee

What You Think It Says: I am well manicured. I want people to notice how defined the lines are which means I pay attention to detail. I am aware of symmetry and want people to notice me.

What It Really Says: Look at me, I’m a big boy now! I can color in the lines and make my facial hair match on both sides! I am going to take a lot longer in the bathroom than my boyfriend because I must make sure all hairs are equally distributed. I’m an OCD anal prick.  I am also a closet queer and have circled my lips- please drop your ball sack on the bulls eye, middle of the circle.

The Chin Strap

What You Think It Says: I spend time grooming myself to perfection. Not only do I have a goatee, but I took the time to manicure straight lines. I am sophisticated. You can meet me at the local coffee shop.

What It Really Says: I am a raging homo who wants to dance on a stage with 4 or 5 other young males with me. I secretly dream about joining The Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, 98 Degrees, or any of your other boy bands that sexualize young females at the age of 13 or so. I try too hard to impress people and just want someone to fucking love me.

The Tranny

What You Think It Says: I am no longer a woman. I have shed by X chromosome and may now be accepted as one of the brethren. I have now entered manhood.

What It Really Says: I am sad and confused little girl. I have the beard of a 14 year old boy but I swear- I am a man now. Pardon me while I go douche my vag.

The Full Beard

What You Think It Says: I’m a bad ass mother fucker. I have a full beard because I am a real man. I grow my facial hair to biblical proportions because I have a cock and I can. If you don’t like it, I really don’t give a shit because I have a full beard and I automatically win. Your wife says so anyway.

What It Really Says: I’m a bad ass mother fucker. I have a full beard because I am a real man. I grow my facial hair to biblical proportions because I have a cock and I can. If you don’t like it, I really don’t give a shit because I have a full beard and I automatically win. Your wife says so anyway.

Disclaimer: Not all beard types have been equally represented. Tough shit- life isn’t fair. Equal time is for entitled douche canoes who have nothing better to do with their time than sit around and ponder how the world has fucked them over yet again.

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