Yes, someone (ahem, Chris Webster. Click Here to see his facebook and laugh at him for fantasizing about “wienerman”) drew Wienerman on the board. Real mature Mr. Mysterious Artist. Real mature. Hopefully this will be a lesson- don’t write on my board. Ever.
I’m in the mood to do a Venn Diagram. I don’t know why. Something right now makes me want to write on two big overlapping balls.
Many women have told me they wish their husbands would man up and grow a beard. Some even have come to me asking how to convince their husbands to grow a beard (congrats to Sarah! I was just informed that her husband is growing a beard! Lucky lady!).
Ladies, if you need help- print this page off and show it to your husband. It may convince him. Post this on your fridge. Glue it to the wall in front of the toilet. Tape it to his secretaries ass if you have to. Put it somewhere that he looks at often to help convince him to be a man and a grow a beard.
After seeing this- he will grow a beard. And if he doesn’t… he is a girl anyway and I can’t help you.
Lets talk about pet peeves. I hate many things in life. Whether it is ingrown toe nails or women drivers- I hate them all. Just kidding! Don’t get your panties in a wad! I really don’t mind ingrown toe nails at all.
One of the things that invariably pisses me off is when people wear sunglasses A) at night and B) indoors. And bonus C) it is a woman wearing giant sunglasses that take up half her fuckin face because it makes her feel “cool”. Let’s go over this one by one and how it makes you look stupid.
Let us delve into some grammar here. Sunglasses. Do you know what the damn prefix of that word is? Here is a hint because if you wear sunglasses at night you are too moronic to gone further than 9th grade English Comp. The prefix is: SUN. Do you know what the sun is? Let me educate you.
The Sun is the star at the center of the Solar System. It is almost perfectly spherical and consists of hot plasma interwoven withmagnetic fields. It has a diameter of about 1,392,000 km, about 109 times that of Earth, and its mass (about 2×1030 kilograms, 330,000 times that of Earth) accounts for about 99.86% of the total mass of the Solar System.Chemically, about three quarters of the Sun’s mass consists of hydrogen, while the rest is mostly helium. The remainder (1.69%, which nonetheless equals 5,628 times the mass of Earth) consists of heavier elements, including oxygen, carbon, neon and iron, among others.
That’s right. I copied straight off of wikipedia. You know what that means? It means the sun is fuckin huge and bright. That shit can hurt your eyes. Even since the early 12th century when Chinese dudes were using smoke colored quartz to shield their eyes from the sun- everyone knew that it could HURT YOUR EYES. So in 1929, a dude came along and said hey- there is a market for this. You know what he did? He produced sunglasses that looked remarkably like today’s aviators. It’s intention? To block the rays of sun from your eyes.
Ok now, Mr. NightShade. Look out your window. Look up. You see that pale white orb? I know this may come as a shock to you- but that is NOT the goddamn Sun! That is called the moon. You don’t have moonglasses. You have sunglasses. One of these objects is made up of blazing hot plasma that can singe your flesh off of your bones. The other is a dead fuckin rock that controls water with mind control or some crazy shit. I admit- controlling water from thousands of miles away is pretty intimidating- but you don’t need sunglasses to protect you.
(Side note: Apparently, we now need the government to tell us working outside can be dangerous. Things like dehydration can happen! HOLY SHIT! I had no idea. This is a physiological breakthrough! This just in from the Obama Administration: THE SUN IS HOT AND MAKES YOU HOT THEREFORE BAD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU GET TOO HOT. Your tax dollars hard at work America.)
The Female Insect
Okay so the giant sunglasses are really annoying. It make… wait..
If you look like this girl, I really don’t give a shit what sunglasses you are wearing. You can wear whatever you want at whatever time you want. As long as at you come and see me. Now.
The Man Who Lets No Light Touch His Eyes
Yes, that is me again. I wanted to illustrate a point. You see how stupid I look wearing sunglasses inside? Just think- I look THAT stupid with a beard. Imagine how stupid you look wearing sunglasses inside without a beard. At least Mr. NightShades has an excuse (although shitty one)- he is scared of an aquamancing white boulder that circles around our planet. You just look like a fuckin imbecile. If you look closely, you can see my computer monitors reflected in the sunglasses. It says “LOSER” in them.
No- it really doesn’t. But people who try to scrutinize and point out every little thing and prove you wrong about everything also really piss me off. Yes, this means I pretty much hate every woman that walks the earth (especially if they are driving). Unless of course she looks like the The Female Insect above.
A beard is a magical entity. It has the ability to grant you anything you ever wanted.
Have you noticed the way men with beards carry themselves? They walk with pride. They walk with dignity. You don’t see them ashamed or embarrassed. They don’t try to be someone they are not. They don’t try to be fake.Look at my picture above. I know that my hat is backwards and I look like a jackass. But guess what? I have a beard. I admit it. I don’t care.
Guys without beards are the opposite. They have to try to be someone they are not. They have to be fake. They always suck in their gut, stand up a bit straighter, try to come off as having more money than they really do, etc. Don’t let them fool with you their explanation of “air of confidence”. This is nothing more than the stench of a pussy.
I have obtained photographic evidence of this below:
(Celebrity photo has been blanked out- don’t want a lawsuit!)
The girl on the left- clearly a pussy. Notice the sucked in gut? Clearly this individual is insecure with the shape of their gut. A man with a beard would have no such qualm. He would let it hang out because he knew he was a man. He has a beard.
The aroma of vagina is strong with this one. I mean, look at the horny devil (mystery celebrity) next to him. He is popping a stiffy for Christ’s sake!!! That is how much of a girl the vag on the left is being. Can you blame the guy? He sees a pussy and gets an erection- a normal reaction to being in the presence of a vagina.
Side note: how’s that for “mailing it in”, Elroy?